26 Weeks (8 more weeks to go!)

 Today marks 2 MILESTONES in my life

1. We are 26 WEEKS GESTATION and according to doctors, this age is about 70% viability for our twinnies if born anytime soon, but our goal is still 34 weeks
2. 5 YEAR WEDDING ANNIVERSARY: my husband is truly my rock!  He told me: "I wish I could share what you're going through, you can carry 50% and I can carry them 50% of the time"....So Sweet!  He feels so bad that I'm the one going through all of this, but without his support & love & hard work taking care of our home/animals/ME....I wouldn't be able to do what I'm doing. 

Unlike my last post, this is a happy one.  After my emotional breakdown last week, it really brought to surface all the emotions I kept buried deep inside, because of this I have been able to learn to cope with these thoughts and feelings in a positive way.

I've developed a daily routine: ....thank goodness because I need to feel like I have a purpose

26 Weeks

1. 8 AM: I wake up and watch Good Morning America while drinking my fave chocolate milk
2. 10 AM: I try to extend my 1 hour shower break, by not calling my nurses when I'm finished
3. 11-1 PM: I use this time to crochet REALLY UGLY baby hats/blankets/diaper covers.... realizing I AM NOT CRAFTY
4. 1-4 PM: I read smut magazines....no not Hustler, more like People/OK/US Weekly & play on the laptop....Baby registry is DONE!!!
5. 4-8 PM: I usually have family/friends visit at this time and hoping they bring me food so I don't have to eat MYSTERY MEAT!
6. 8-10 PM: Catch up on my reality shows and comedies....can't wait for Gossip Girl!!!
7. 10 PM: ZZZZZZZZZZZ.............Nurses say they've never had a patient sleep as good as I do!!!

TWINNIES: Growth Scan this week shows that the babies' weights are 1lb 10oz & 1lb 11oz.  I can feel they are getting stronger & bigger because all of a sudden my bladder has turned into a soccer ball...and this does not feel good!  BTW....we've confirmed that they are GIRLS!!!  No names yet though.....

• Baby A is renting a studio apartment in my right hip and is always on time with her rent (AKA: it's easy to find her with the fetal monitor).  Because of her prime real estate, I'm not able to sit upright.

• Baby B is renting a 3 bedroom apartment and is always dodging the landlords (AKA: she gives the nurses a hard time trying to find her and sometimes kick back at their pushing/probing).  

ME: MUCH MUCH MUCH BETTER!   I had a lot of visitors this week including family, friends, and co-workers.  Mom brings Filipino food which I'm sure makes the lounge smell like an Asian house, but it tastes like 'home' and I love it.  I caught up with an old friend Maren, whom I see rarely but it's always like old times.  My childhood friend Kelly brought me the COMING TO AMERICA DVD, which we watched every day as kids.  Leah & Natalie, brought Rob and I TACO LU for our anniversary dinner and snuck in a can of beer for him, we had a good time reminiscing and laughing all night....hopefully the staff didn't think I was drinking too....LOL! A co-worker whose also pregnant w/ twinnies came by for a visit & we compared our pleasant and unpleasant symptoms of pregnancy...Tx for the visit Patty!!!  Also, one of my doctor's wives, a Eucharistic minister, came by today and served me communion, I always feel cleansed afterward. 

Gage & Ella, visiting Tate BeBe

WEEKLY HIGHLIGHT: Kitty & Bailey sleeping together :-)

CRYING MOMENT OF THE WEEK: One of my doctors gave me a 1-and-only 15 minute lobby privilege to visit with Ella & Gage.  They wouldn't let me walk and when Gage saw me in the wheelchair he looked a little worried and scared, Ella on the other hand thought I was in a stroller like her....LOL!  As soon as I saw them I couldn't help the tears of happiness & sadness and just kept kissing & hugging them so tightly.  I knew it would be December before I see them again.  But, Chrissy has made it a little easier by facetiming with the kiddos once in a while.

BEST ADVICE FOR THE WEEK: If you have animals at home, they may get a little depressed and anxious.  The dogs lost their appetite and Kitty is peeing in random areas.  Just be patient, they just miss you, and eventually they will get used to a new routine and will be just fine.

25 Weeks: Completion of 1/10 weeks of Inpatient

Last night Rob spent the night and it's really nice to wake up and see his face, it's a little peace of normalcy.  For breakfast, Leah & Jennifer brought me Starbucks and Paneras.  This was a nice change from the hospital breakfast tray.  However, when you're pregnant & hungry, you'll eat anything.  I had such a great morning catching up with my girlfriends.  Everyone knows I love me some girl talk :-).  I felt like this was a good start to my day.

Today we are 25 WEEKS!!!!  I completed a full week of inpatient stay, 9 more weeks to go.  I felt really good about this.......UNTIL........ my friends left and all of a sudden I felt ALONE.

I felt very sad and lost my appetite, which is rare nowadays since I'm always so hungry.  I thought visitors would make me happy, instead it reminded me of what I was missing: LIFE.  Rob came to have a little lunch with me and afterward I felt a tiredness take over.  I decided to take a nap, it became a very deep and loooong 2 hour nap.  When I woke up the feeling of SADNESS became stronger and stronger.  I realized I was starting to feel depressed.  I decided to watch a little TV and maybe it would go away.  It never did.

My nurse came in to say goodbye & all of a sudden a rainstorm of tears came out of me.  All I could say was "I'm having a moment".  She was so sympathetic.  I told her that I felt so LONELY & VULNERABLE.....these are feelings that I've been trying to hide in order to force myself to feel STRONG!   There was no stopping the pain or the tears.  To add to the injury my dinner tray never came, so I had to call Rob to buy me dinner, and of course hearing his voice made me cry even more.  A part of me didn't want him to see me this way, he's used to me always so composed & calm & positive.  I couldn't even finish a sentence, my nose was stuffy, and I couldn't breathe.  He came as quickly as he could, held my hand, reassured me that this will be just a blip in my memory, and home will always be there.  I hear this, but I don't feel this.  I miss home, I miss my husband, I miss my animals, I MISS MY LIFE.  I became unsure of myself, of my tenacity, of my faith, of my strength........But I know I can't be selfish, I have babies I need to focus on and bring into this world.  I HAVE to be be strong for my babies.   I repeat this in my head over and over.

I haven't cried this much since my last night at home, when the reality of leaving everything behind set in and Rob held me all night while tears shed uncontrollably. 

I AM SAD            I AM LONELY            MY VULNERABILITY MAKES ME FEEL WEAK       

I hope tomorrow will be better..................

24 Weeks (Inpatient Here I Come)

I have never been a patient before.  I joined a MoMo Mom support group and they had a list of items that they recommend to bring to the hospital.  Everything on the list is not only for physical comfort, but for mental health purposes as well.  Rob and I spent the whole weekend buying comfy sheets, towels, pajamas, and etc to make my almost 3 month stay in the hospital as comfortable as possible.  You can't really prepare yourself for this.  All the doctors and nurses were so impressed of how 'homey' my room was and they loved the smell too.  I made sure to buy a diffuser at the Spa, because one thing I didn't want is the 'hospital smell'.  My in-laws were nice enough to drive down from NY and stay a couple weeks to watch the house, while Rob helped me get settled into the hospital.

When I got to the hospital....I procrastinated as much as I could and made excuses of why I was going to be late.  I figured once I got there, paperwork would need to be filled out and I may be waiting in the lobby for a while.  NOPE!!!  As soon as we walked through the door, they had my name on the list, we took a ride up to the second floor, went into a room, and THAT'S IT!  No preparation, no paperwork, no tour.  This room we went into, was going to be my home for almost 3 months!!!

The nurses then proceeded to give me my 1st round of steroid injections, this helps with the babies' lung maturity, in case they have any distress and needed to be delivered in the next week or two....hopefully not.  The shot itself is pretty painful, but I had no choice. 

The nurses put 3 monitors on my belly.  One to check for contractions, and the other two for each baby.  Any movement by either me or the babies would cause problems with the monitoring so the nurses had to frequently rearrange the monitors on my belly day and night.  It's hard to stay asleep when they are constantly adjusting the monitors.  Again....I just had to accept this was going to be my life for the next 10 weeks.  In the bed, strapped on with wires, have to call to go to the bathroom, had to eat hospital food, had to call if I can't reach something, and lack of sleep.


Since Rob's parents' were watching the house/animals for us, Rob was able to stay with me a few days.  Thank goodness, because I really needed him during this transition.  The best news was, that this whole week the babies' heart rates were very good and the doctors say no problems so far.  We would also be getting an US 3x/week to check the flow of the umbilical cord in order to determine if there was any cord compression or not.