25 Weeks: Completion of 1/10 weeks of Inpatient

Last night Rob spent the night and it's really nice to wake up and see his face, it's a little peace of normalcy.  For breakfast, Leah & Jennifer brought me Starbucks and Paneras.  This was a nice change from the hospital breakfast tray.  However, when you're pregnant & hungry, you'll eat anything.  I had such a great morning catching up with my girlfriends.  Everyone knows I love me some girl talk :-).  I felt like this was a good start to my day.

Today we are 25 WEEKS!!!!  I completed a full week of inpatient stay, 9 more weeks to go.  I felt really good about this.......UNTIL........ my friends left and all of a sudden I felt ALONE.

I felt very sad and lost my appetite, which is rare nowadays since I'm always so hungry.  I thought visitors would make me happy, instead it reminded me of what I was missing: LIFE.  Rob came to have a little lunch with me and afterward I felt a tiredness take over.  I decided to take a nap, it became a very deep and loooong 2 hour nap.  When I woke up the feeling of SADNESS became stronger and stronger.  I realized I was starting to feel depressed.  I decided to watch a little TV and maybe it would go away.  It never did.

My nurse came in to say goodbye & all of a sudden a rainstorm of tears came out of me.  All I could say was "I'm having a moment".  She was so sympathetic.  I told her that I felt so LONELY & VULNERABLE.....these are feelings that I've been trying to hide in order to force myself to feel STRONG!   There was no stopping the pain or the tears.  To add to the injury my dinner tray never came, so I had to call Rob to buy me dinner, and of course hearing his voice made me cry even more.  A part of me didn't want him to see me this way, he's used to me always so composed & calm & positive.  I couldn't even finish a sentence, my nose was stuffy, and I couldn't breathe.  He came as quickly as he could, held my hand, reassured me that this will be just a blip in my memory, and home will always be there.  I hear this, but I don't feel this.  I miss home, I miss my husband, I miss my animals, I MISS MY LIFE.  I became unsure of myself, of my tenacity, of my faith, of my strength........But I know I can't be selfish, I have babies I need to focus on and bring into this world.  I HAVE to be be strong for my babies.   I repeat this in my head over and over.

I haven't cried this much since my last night at home, when the reality of leaving everything behind set in and Rob held me all night while tears shed uncontrollably. 

I AM SAD            I AM LONELY            MY VULNERABILITY MAKES ME FEEL WEAK       

I hope tomorrow will be better..................